I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him