They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.