I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I donât have servants
Me: Exactly
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
đĽđŁ
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isnât even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks heâs allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesnât itch when itâs chocolate covered almondsâŚ
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and thereâs no backstory to explain it
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) Iâm thinking new cabinets
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always âNeverâ.
Before & after đ
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because âI donât like watching the baby eat, sheâs so messyâ and honestly, same
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
âPapa, Kanye Hear Me?â
âKanye Feel the Love Tonightâ
âI Am a Few of My Favorite Thingsâ
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, itâs transient, shifting like water
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, Iâm mad at you.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, itâs yâall you can eat!â˘ď¸
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me