*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
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[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected