life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.