Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
You Might Also Like
With this onion ring, I thee fed
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”