Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
mathematically impossible
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!