Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this