dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
yes… yes…
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂