Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Strange
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused