*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
titanic
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Shortcut
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy