[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
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Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.