My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I’ve been drinking.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.