Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan