*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
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every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
And then there were 4
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.