Friends that check up on you >
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.