My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Oh, I bet you would be
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet