[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
me adding lol on a serious message
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.