This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Now, where’s the sport in that?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!