“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
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HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.