Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
wow he looks just like him
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
In case you needed to hear it:
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
lmfao come on
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it