If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I think about this a lot
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza