King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me as a therapist: omg same
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.