[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time