You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Good dog. ❤️
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.