Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.