Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Not my job 😂
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people