Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one