“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
they really do be looking like this
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.