This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Why I divorced her.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.