I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
You Might Also Like
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.