my name if I was in the mob
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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse