It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”