Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
😜
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.