You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.