Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
You Might Also Like
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I saw nothing
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Real House Wines.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.