Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
time machine? you mean a clock?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My back has gone out more than I have this year.