I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Doing math together is known as fourplay.