when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
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He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.