Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
You Might Also Like
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”