I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.