My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”