There’s no “us” in nachos.
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Can’t. Being lazy.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!