Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If only
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.