girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Bringing home a sharpie
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-