[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
You Might Also Like
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.