When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
You Might Also Like
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If I ignore life will it go away?