I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
oh my gosh!!
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.