I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
You Might Also Like
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Google assistant rules
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Those are good neighbors.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?