My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion